Before we get into it

This post is a repost of a LinkedIn article I posted on the Transgender Day of Visibility 2021.

What your trans co-workers want you to know about their lives on Transgender Day of Visibility (and all year long)

Today is Transgender Day of Visibility. As an openly transgender person, I’m using my experiences to help others learn more and become more vital allies for folks like me, whether at work, at home, or anywhere out in the world.

My story of self-discovery changed my life for the better — from my relationships to my career at League. We’ll look at what it means to be transgender, non-binary and a couple of other identities. In the end, I hope that anyone, no matter how much experience they have with transgender folks in their own lives, will feel inspired and empowered to become an ally for trans and non-binary people.

What does transgender mean?

To keep it the most simple, to be trans is to feel like the label given to you at birth doesn’t describe who you are as a person.

A straightforward way to look at it is “not identifying as your gender assigned at birth.” Most people are told they’re either male or female when born and live an identity that matches their upbringing. Like most things in life, gender is not “either/or” — or male/female in this case. People choose many expressions along the spectrum between masculine and feminine. There are also other identities like non-binary that are something else all together. I say most because some people are born intersex, but I won’t speak to an experience that isn’t my own.

So what am I? I may use the term “trans-woman” to identify myself quickly, but the real answer is that I’m trans-fem non-binary. You might wonder what that even means, so let’s break it down with a few definitions that will help you understand the wide range of gender identities different folks might have:

• Cisgender

If I asked you, “Do you consider yourself mostly masculine or feminine?” you probably have an answer that corresponds with your assigned gender at birth. That’s what it means to be cisgender.

• Non-binary

Cisgender people also tend to fit inside the gender binary, which traditionally labels people as “male” or “female.” Culturally there is a list of things that are stereotypically masculine or feminine. Though I bet if you look at yourself, you’ll find something that you do, say, or think that falls outside of these stereotypes. No one fits a perfect mould of what we’re told to be.

But what if I told you I don’t feel like either? Or perhaps some days I feel masculine and others feminine? This means I fall under the non-binary umbrella. Non-binary simply means you don’t feel like either of the traditional gender binary options.

• The non-binary umbrella

I say umbrella because there are many different expressions of being non-binary. Some people, like myself, primarily identify with one binary. Some agender people don’t feel like either, while Genderfluid people will float from masculine or feminine depending on how they feel. Gender non-conforming or gender-queer people might pick and choose aspects of different genders. There are many more identities out there, but these are some that I’ve encountered the most.

When describing myself as a trans-fem non-binary person, we can say that I enjoy being more feminine while not adhering to all the cultural norms that define a feminine person. This will change as I continue to grow as a person and discover more about myself.

So to be transgender is to feel and know that you’re a different gender than the one you were given at birth. It’s also okay to feel differently than you have in the past. Like any other part of us, our identities change as we grow. You could be a different gender today than ten years ago — or even yesterday.

I hope that we can learn not just to accept this about people but come to embrace and celebrate it.

How did I know I was transgender?

I made the self-discovery in late 2020. I saw a meme that cisgender people “don’t think about being another gender.” That was a jarring moment for me since if at any point in my life someone asked, “would I rather be a boy or a girl?” my answer would have always been a girl, without even a second thought. I mean, who wouldn’t?

It was a revelation for me to think that cis-gender men actually enjoy being a man, and trans men enjoy and actively choose to be men. It was such a foreign idea that it took me another month to realize I was indeed trans.

Gender dysphoria and why I wasn’t “born in the wrong body”

This used to be a common way of explaining gender dysphoria to someone who's never experienced it. I thought this was what it meant to be trans, but that’s not it for me. What makes me trans is a desire to be anything but a man. My body is mine, and like everyone, there are aspects that I wish were different. However, when I look in the mirror, my mind isn’t expecting to see a man, but something else.

I first noticed my gender dysphoria — the mental friction that occurs when you subconsciously expect to be a different gender than the one given to your body — a few days after I started to tell some close friends that I might be trans. I found an app that “swaps” your gender. The filter gave me long hair and a more feminine face. Looking at myself then, I realized that I’ve never once actually associated myself with a photo taken of me.

Logically, I knew that the person in the picture was me, and I could remember the moment it was taken — but not one time did I ever look at a photo and truly see myself. This awakening showed me what I never knew was missing.

Instead of dysphoria, finally associating with the “feminine” version of myself left me with euphoria. I knew it’d be a long and hard road, but it was then that I knew this was all I ever wanted. After doing more research, I found that while I may not look exactly like the photo that captivated me days before, I could look like a woman. That was the start of the path that I knew I needed to follow.

The joy of finally being my complete self

It’s been a little over a year since the start of my journey. I’ve gone through many changes and still have many more to go, but the most significant difference has been my mental health. I used to have crippling depression, and it wasn’t uncommon to find me in some corner crying during the day.

I never knew why I was in such immense pain, but only that it never seemed to stop. It didn’t stop until I told myself — out loud — that I was trans and needed to tell someone and leave those days behind. I still have dark days, but they are nothing compared to what I used to face.

I’m a much happier person now than I was a year and a half ago, and for the first time, I can see there is so much more room to continue going up.

What defines someone as trans is not the things that bring them pain. It’s not gender dysphoria but rather what brings them joy and happiness. You don’t need to hate yourself to be trans or even have gender dysphoria, but only to feel happier being something else. As Audre Lorde said, “If I didn’t define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies and eaten alive.” I think we all can take something away from that.

We should never define ourselves by what others expect of us, but only what makes us feel fulfilled.

Being transgender at League

I’m so happy to be working at League. Diversity of all kinds, including gender, is not only acceptable and encouraged but also celebrated. Trying to transform health care for everyone means acknowledging there are more differences than similarities in people. Opening up health care means opening it for everyone.

All League employees in Canada and the U.S. have insurance coverage for transgender procedures and mental health. Acknowledging that insurance companies won’t be able to cover everything, there’s also a $1000 spending account for a transitioning Leaguer to spend on anything related to their transition. Only a select few companies offer one or the other, but incredibly few offer both.

Want to learn more?

This blog is just one point in a long journey of learning about gender and ourselves. Here are some resources that helped me along my way.

First, if you’re reading this wondering if you’re trans or not, my top recommendation is to find a therapist. This isn’t an easy journey, but wholly worth the happiness you can feel. A good therapist will be able to guide you through this at your own pace.

• To learn more about gender dysphoria and how it impacts people, read the Gender Dysphoria Bible.
• Watch more about the history and current state of transphobia in Philosophy Tube's video.
• For more common arguments against trans people, watch ContraPoints’ video on Gender Critical.
• To hear the process someone might go through discovering more about their gender, Philosophy Tube's Identity video. This one is near my heart and showed me that being trans has happy endings.

If I could leave you with only two thoughts, they’d be these: first, trans people are just people looking to live their best lives. We all have different experiences in life, and we’re far more diverse than we are similar. These differences should not only be accepted but celebrated.

Second, there is no right or wrong way for anyone to be anything. We should all have the freedom and power to define ourselves with all the facets that make us who we are. One of the greatest gifts you can give to another person in your life is to see them, support them, and uplift them to do precisely that.